Friday, July 8, 2011

Women, Shut Up!

Dated: 8th July 2011
To all WOMEN,
[SUB: Women, Shut Up!]
Dear Fairer Sex,

Hope you all are in good health. Today being my mother’s birthday, I thought it was the right time to write this letter. This letter is dedicated to all you beauties out there. So first shut up (my apologies for using this word to attract your attention) and listen, with an open mind. When I tell you to shut up, all I mean is to stop blaming the ‘man’-kind for all your troubles. I understand that there are lots of problems that a woman has to face in her daily lives, but I believe that there is a solution to all problems, and complaining is not one of them. One needs to go back and look at the fundamental cause of the problem. We are partly to be blamed for the male dominated society that we have selfishly build. I have mentioned that already in the post 'huntress to seductress'. But this post is about the other side of the coin. 

I have no option not to agree that a man’s mind is guided by his heart, and his heart is guided by something further below. That is the reason why we stare at you like the street dogs looking at the meats hanging in the meat shop; we are not just appreciating beauty here. But staring is not the problem, even girls stare at us. What’s even worse, girls stare at girls. Probably they are just looking at the clothes and not what’s within them, but still, a stare is a stare. Author of 'Against our Will', Susan Brownmiller noted,

"Man's discovery that his genitalia could serve as a weapon to generate fear must rank as one of the most important discoveries of prehistoric times, along with the use of fire and the first crude stone axe."

But men’s libido isn’t the only reason why so many women are raped or sexually assaulted around the world. Surveys have proven that 70 percent of rapists show some kind of psychopathic traits. The criminal who commits such heinous crimes are violent and has no respect for women. To solve the problem we need to teach our kids, ones who might be a future rapist 15-20 years from now, to respect women and learn to love. Remember, it is small things that make big difference.

You do not get respect, you earn it, and the onus is upon you. I do not give damn to the biological reasons that make women weak. I do not believe it, because I have seen strong women. Probably the only reason I respect women is because my mom has been my idol. Her strength of character has made me believe that women are strong. She has always fought against the injustices of the society. There were times when even my father was afraid, but this courageous woman has always stood on her ground firmly. As a woman do you have it in you to become that idol for your kids? I have heard so many times that a woman is blessing her daughter-in-law to have a 'son'. I have seen women getting sad because a daughter was born in the family. In most Indian families a son always gets more privilege than a girl even from the female members of the family. I really hate it when it comes from a woman. It is also very common for many Indian women to act like their husbands are their gods. Respect is a good thing, but it should be mutual. There should not be preferential respect based on sex. If women can touch the feet of their husbands, husbands should be ready to return the favour. Society might tell you that being a ‘Sati-Shavitri’ is a good quality in a woman. What the society is actually telling is that men are stronger than woman and deserves more respect. By being that ideal girl of the society you are teaching your kids that women are weaker. There is some responsibility women themselves have to take. It is time to earn the respect that you deserve.

Coming to the second cause, violence, are we having negative influence on our kids, are we unknowingly teaching them violence? This one is for men too. I will state a recent incidence in Gurgaon. A father came to drop his kid to the school. He parked his car in the wrong place. The guard told him politely to park it in the proper place. He started abusing the guard in-front of his kid. What was he teaching his kid? I agree that not many of us do that, but how many times have you told your kid to hit the flood back in which he/she fell and got hurt? How many times have you lied to your kids just to make him/her stop crying? How many times have you made your kid cheat in their homework? As I drive around in Delhi NCR, 90% of the cars, includes the so called educated people, does not follow traffic rules. What are we teaching our kids? Our small gestures are slowly programming our kid’s mind that is going to have a long lasting influence. It is easy to be a good person, but tough to be a good parent. It is time to teach our kids love and honesty, and not turn them into pervert devils. It is time to educate the mass and break the prejudice.

It is always easy to blame others, but only when we take up the responsibility to change ourselves that our society is going to change. One old wise man once said, be the change you want to see in the world. Lets be that change. I repeat ... small things makes big difference. Ok, enough of shutting-up, now you can start speaking. The comments section below is meant just for that.


You React:


  1. Hahaha I think I need to share this post with a lot of gals. 

  2. lol...please do...:-)

  3. Agree completely! It all boils down to being a good human being....the gender doesn't matter....I have always looked at myself as a person...and not as a woman...and that works for me :) Of course, I take pride and privilege being born a woman..but thats another story....Being a woman is never a handicap...unless one sees it that way..

  4. true...there is no harm in being proud of yourself...self depreciation is the crime...

  5. Finally a man who talks like I do. I dont give a damn to gender. You are a human first and as a human earn your respect...whether you wear a bra or pant shouldnt decide who you are. You wont believe after ages I read something while eating :-) bravo...

  6. Finally a man who talks like I do. I dont give a damn to gender. You are a human first and as a human earn your respect...whether you wear a bra or pant shouldnt decide who you are. You wont believe after ages I read something while eating :-) bravo...

  7. its an honor to have you glued while wasn't tasty? lol

  8. Very insightful....and yes, every small thing matters....just that you have to start somewhere someday...and it's better we do it at the earliest...May your mom have a blissful B'day!

  9. yes..there is no better time to start than now...thanks for the wishes...

  10. Corruption of thoughts among Indians. 
    The new generation is said to be too much open, what about the one who is too much narrow? Blah! 
    Gender debates are always endless. 
    You summed it pretty well. Great going

  11. This is indeed very much a good post!! There are so many instances where women themselves discriminate between a boy and a girl especially at house hold level!! And kids of course follow the pattern! The change should actually come from the house hold! A son grows up to be a man and his basic character is very much influenced by what his family taught him especially his mother. It's through her that a son first starts to respect women! So there is very much a role played by women in bringing up men who respect women and so much can be changed if women themselves start bringing about the change right from home level to her profession! Every where! 

    I totally agree with you SUB. A woman should be able to earn respect for herself rather than blaming the whole society! It must be more about 'What I can Do' rather than "what society and others could do'.

  12. First of all, belated happy birthday to aunty.
    Now, a great post... and one that everyone today should read,so hope you don't mind my sharing it on my google buzz......

    I won't say much about the post as a lot has already been said in the post and the comments.....

    Take care.

  13. Wonderful post. Gender debates never cease and the blame
    game just continues endless. And as someone rightly pointed out, this has to be
    read by many people especially women.

    Good one :).
    And yeah happy birthday to your mom :)


  14. Women who seek to be equal to man lack ambition :-)

  15. thanks cindrellaaa... matter what the problem is, complaining never helps....

  16. thanks for the wishes Janhvi....and for sharing...:-)

  17. Both men and women can be good or bad human beings, with or without culture. A lot depends on how a woman raises her child. Regarding gender equality I wonder why we compare both. Both have their own strengths and weaknesses. Yes many women are themselves to blame for female infanticide, for dowry and other social issues.
    Pl wish your mother a very happy Birthday. She has raised a wonderful responsible child.Thats the most imp job in the world. Believe me.

  18. I also wonder why we compare...

    I do not know how responsible i am...but thanks Alka ....:-)

  19. I see some promise and I am going to challenge you.

    "To solve the problem we need to teach our kids, ones who might be a future rapist 15-20 years from now, to respect women and learn to love. Remember, it is small things that make big difference."

    Just how do you do that. Through schools? Society? Enumerate instances.
    There must be reasons why women touch the feet of men. Or do you believe that the earlier societies were backward. That will make it very simple, won't it? 

    There must be reason behind every problem. And every 'solution' will come out of addressing and analysing them. The other route is to brand men and society with some adjective (sexist, pig, etc...). Don't be flattered by comments and complements. Take it as a mission to explore further. You look like a man interested in such a journey.

    Glad for your interest in my website. 

  20. thanks for your challenge...and for humbling me...

    I am not denying that schools and societies have influence on how a person grows up...but the influence parents, esp mothers, have outweighs anything else... people argue that 'good parents even have bad kids'...that's not my point...parents might be good individuals, but not always good teachers...

    there is only one reason women touch feet of men, because men want it that way....I am not saying earlier societies were backward...societies change...lets explore further for answer...lets go for a journey back in time

    ....what do you mean by many years ago? 2000? 5000? 10,000?....look at the ancient idols...they were women goddess...why were they suddenly replaced with male ones? look at the cave and women hunted together.. what happened down the line?..when did it all change? with civilization...around 2500yrs ago...why?.because big architectures were build...big armies were required to protect civilization....most of the work needed the muscle of men...women were slowly forced to their homes....all restrictions started appearing at that time called Axial Age...that includes 'feet touching' part...

    in is just my opinion... everyone has the freedom to have their is good to have different views...else our learning curve gets stagnant....thanks again...


  21. Hey Sub,
    don't take any part of it negatively. The challenge is to unearth reasons. To look around. To see for your self and not be guided by others. If you keep reading my website - and are not already mad at my comments - I will put up another reason to the feet-touching phenomenon.

    None's humbling anyone. Don't take it that way, I repeat, don't. It would be easy to leave a conditioned 'all the best' response. But that does nobody any good.

    Here's some fodder. There is no/little punishment for false rape claims. Women who wrongly label men as rapists get little stick. These truths are not covered by history and historical analysis. You (as in anyone) can't bracket behavior patterns to historical data. Observance is the key to understanding. 

    Another instance, and you observe and tell me, how many 'beautiful' (even pretty) women do you find at slutwalk? Why is the name in India being changed from slutwalk to seeti bajao? Because the really good apples don't feel any need to be among the rotten apples.

    This is not directed solely to your post or anything to do with your research. It's fodder. And the best of men chew together. 

    Look forward to further interaction. Let's catch up on more wisdom from one another. Ciao.  : - )

  22. i'm not taking it negatively...there is no negativity...its only exists in the mind...secondly, the whole point of Khoj is against prejudice, and not to get biased...i , like you, believe in observing. I won't be guided by others, and that includes you...

    now, just for clarification, what exactly is your point? what defines 'rotten apples'? and what justifies the 'feet touching' phenomenon? 

    eagerly waiting for the answers...


  23. A Belated happy b'day to your mom... Mommys are the greatest beings in this world.
    I celebrated my mom's b'day yestreday.. We had loads of fun.

    Coming to the burning topic which u have pointed out.. I just don't understand why such things even exist. As u have said in ancients time we had female deities.
    Men and Women are by default equal and they are incomplete without each other. The ardhnarishwar form of Lord Shiva clearly depicts it. Than why such thing like less or more dignified and powerful is their in minds. A normal human being should have this thing tattooed in their minds that  One should always respect women.

  24. apparently there are many human beings who are not 'normal'...their mind is already filled by the 'tattoos' of prejudice...
    thanks for the wish...belated happy birthday to your mom as well...

  25. exactly they are mere psychopaths !!

  26. Sub I was frankly confused with this post-what were you trying to get at? It is not about men or women that is the issue - it is about society at large - I dont know if you have heard of the term patriarchy? Patriarchy affects men as much as it affects women as it assigns specific roles for us and society is very cruel if we transgress those roles. Hence women do many things you 'accuse"  them  of. There are few women like your mother for instance who have the courage to stand up  and fight. there are many reasons why some of us do not fight or may be our fights are with different weapons ....?

  27. i am trying to understand what has offended you...if it is the title then  I must apologize...what i am trying to get at is the prejudice the society has in general...there has been lots of post that hav pointed out men's influence on the status of women...i do not disagree with have created patriarchy....but there is one point that they is the role of women themselves..I am not accusing any one...I am not saying that all women are like that...but i do see many women who themselves favor the male child in their family...this is very common atleast in delhi...a child growing up in such family will never grow up to respect women...and then it becomes an endless loop...someone has to stand up and stop it...i am sorry if i have offended you...its just my perspective...

  28. Sub,
    I have a lot of things to say about this topic.
    1) Your mother has been really lucky to have been a supporting family. Do you think that all women who are suppressed will be able to show courage like your mother? I know people who are beaten black and blue even if they mouth they opinion on some family issues. Not everybody is privileged. Once they are stuck in the mess, many a times, they cannot come out alive. Do you disagree that there is no such situation in our country? What do you think 'women' in that situation can do?
    That does not mean blame game should work. 
    2) Men and women are not born to be equal. And they there should be not competition to equality. They are born to be different, they are blessed with different qualities. But, these differences  can't be allowed to be the reason of social discrimination. There are people who have proved the point across.

    3) I agree mother has a role in building the character of the child, but, when a mother is also working, and when she is sharing the same amount of time with the child as her husband, it should be the parents' collective responsibility to nurture the child with good character.

    4) And about rape cases, women are partly responsible to the act. Mainly when they wear revealing clothes, (I agree that it one's wish to wear any clothes of our choice, but we should also know that our society is not mature enough to honour all our choices.) it becomes a reason for some changes in men. Right?  If the development (mental as well as economical) were equal among all classes of soceity, there would not have been such problems. 

    But, lastly I would say, all these big words like 'being equal to men', 'getting respect' et cetera applies for people who understand such words. Just have a look at the  nearby slum, do they even understand such things? :)

    I am not for or against any topic. It is just my opinion.   

  29. Thanks Spicy Sweet for your opinion. I appreciate your concerns. Here is my

    1) I agree with you. My mother has been lucky, not everybody is. It is not
    just about fighting back, but also about those women who themselves promote
    discrimination. I have seen many women giving preference to male child. I
    have seen mother-in-laws behaving horribly with their daughter-in laws. Do
    you disagree that there is no such situation in our country? Is that
    justified? Should not that change?

    2) I do not want to compare men and women. They are different, and that is
    the beauty of life. My point is exactly what you said. I never said that
    women should be equal to men. People create an idea of an ideal woman, that
    idea is full of prejudice. I am against that prejudice.

    3) I have mentioned that the father is also responsible, but i still feel
    that in an Indian society it is the mother's influence that is still

    4) I disagree with you in this point. 'Society is immature' should not be an
    excuse for rapists.

    I agree about the women living in the slums. I also understand that they
    will not be affected by a blog post in the internet. There are many things
    we cannot change now, but there are few thing that we can start to change.

  30. SUB,

    1) I second your thoughts on that women who do NOT want girl babies, or women in the role of mother-in-law ill-treats a DIL for not being able to give a male child to the family should go get some stuff in their brains. I agree.

    2) We have same thoughts over the second point.

    3) Yes, Here, mother does have dominant role, Don't you think even that should change? :)

    4) I did not say that is an excuse to the rapist, I just said, that man all by himself is not responsible. The spark may have been from the other sex as well. That was my point. I called the society immature to take the westernized ideas.

    Agreed. Few good points put across. 

  31. i agree that both men and women should have equal role...but I believe that women mind can resolve the intricate details of life much better than men...that is why they will always understand their children much better than men. no mater how much we try, that is one area we will never be able to beat you guys...that is the reason i think that mother's influence will always stay dominant....

    A revealing dress of a woman will only excite  a pervert...I agree that revealing dress triggers rape. I agree that it is safe for women to wear Indian dress, but rape is not a phenomenon only in India...even in western countries, where women are used to wearing revealing clothes, it is a problem. All i want to say is that man who has grown respecting women will never commit a crime of rape even if we sees a lonely naked girl...

  32. First of all, my belated birthday wishes to your mother.

    I may be repeating some of the opinions voiced already but anyway...

    It all starts with oneself, any gender the person may belong to. The wanting to becoming, not equal, free begins with the ability to clear ones head of preexisting ideas especially the ones that are biased. There are people who come from families/cultures that consider, for instance, men as superior but refuse to consider the same. They run the risk of staying crossed with the established order and it can also be seen as one form of generation gap. But they, small though may be in number, exist. That small group added with those who come out from the right family atmosphere must sound promising. Societal pressure, like peer pressure, must not be succumbed to. It's easy to say it but the change that we want to see is hard to come by because it takes, if not all of us, most of us to effect that change. It all, however, starts with small steps like this.

    I'm not sure I'm making much sense but here's another...

    I'd suggest against dismissing violent/rapist men as psychopaths, if you're meaning it in clinical terms. There are those I agree but there are more of those who're otherwise very "normal" whose primary goal is power over the "other" and they go back to their families and lead acceptable lives for all we know.

    This made another good read, like always!

  33. I all depends how you defing 'normal' way of thinking goes
    like this...

    if you are driving in the midnight through a lonely road and you see a
    single girl beside the road, a normal man will have 2 reaction. think of it
    as a trap and ignore, or, will try to help her. a 'normal' pervert might
    even fantasize having sex with her...but it takes more than 'normal'
    thinking to jump over her, beat and tear her clothes and rape would
    be a shock for me to realize that the normal people around me has the
    capability to do you really think they can? that's a real scary
    world for the girls then!!

    thanks for your comments...


  34. There's
    no denying the act itself is bestial, and it is very much!

    way of elucidating the paradox at hand would be like this: You've known someone for long to be a
    calm/sober person. One fine day and moment he/she reacts to a situation
    strangely violently you couldn't believe it's the same person. Likewise, it can happen
    with a person who witnesses a girl all by herself in the dark.

    That doesn't
    mean it's a scary world everywhere and all the time, only we need to be on
    guard as much as we can be. Rapists are not always strangers but equally
    acquaintances/relatives/friends. We are "creatures" who are capable of
    extreme goodness and extreme evil. The fact that the two extremes more often
    than not reside in the same person cannot be brushed aside.

  35. i agree with you there...there is a devil within all of us...

  36. It was out of curiosity that i read this post of yours...what you have written can be divided into two posts first rapist psychology, second women and their attitude towards women...children get programmed from knowingly or unknowingly from what they see and hear.

    You said don't be the ideal girl, but there's no space for the ones those who are different...though some of us might be different, but then the price of non-conformity is paid by only the one who is it's easier said then done.

  37. i agree with you...much have been said about the fault of men, which I agree and already mentioned in my posts 'huntress to seductress' and 'women can never be equal to men' i just wanted to point at the other side of the coin...

    ...idea being...if you cannot protest, at least do not promote...

    thanks for your comments talking square ...welcome to KHOJ...


  38. Interesting post!

    Featured post, please read & promote-


Leave a piece of you mind here...